I’m in a phase...
I know how to give ego happiness-it’s very patterned, and easy to do. My ego loves shopping (even responsibly. Even within budget. Even more so, then!) And tasting and drinking wine, and beauty, and gatherings and ruminating in deep emotions, and interfacing with beings who allow me to heave my bag of deep and hearty emotions on their table without judgement-over wine, of course! Haha!
My ego loves accomplishing-even if it also causes it pain to work at that speed and intensity.
It loves “knowing”-which really means, collecting concepts and showing them off. Being the best at that. (Or thinking it is.) It loves to secretly feel unseen and unheard-and sort of feast on the pain that causes itself. My ego, admittedly, loves meaning. Loves being special. “The one”-whether lover, healer, teacher or friend.
It will move towards people when lonely, instead of genuinely interested, and run back to seclusion when real intimacy is there. My ego Loves emotional highs and even drama-Is addicted to longing (which means, it secretly loves it) and has depressed itself adaptively for so long, that it finds depression a favorite, flavorful friend.
My ego loves cozy and food and comfort and safe.
It will repeat all of these things forever-and swear to god they were new (and evolved!) experiences! Every. Time.
But as Soul has come in, and made its presence known, it has illuminated these repeating patterns.
Suddenly, the glamour of all of these highs and lows has tarnished.
I’m aware that I want off of egos incessant merry go round. I want a life beyond the predictably rich ride. It’s made me rather sick.
So, I steep in soul. And ego freaks out. I steep in soul. Ego freaks out.
I don’t calm ego in the old way I once did; the “inner child” way, the “soul retrieval” way...I’ve seen even as I soul-retrieve, that the stories are still...the merry go round.
This has been an astonishing find.
Now, I understand what some of the books I’d read were saying when they said: “just drop it”.
What? And loose all the meaning? And not pull the root? I’d think those ‘experts’ were spiritually bypassing, because they certainly weren’t going through the depth of the emotional body that I was...well, I feel now that perhaps they did-in this life or maybe even another-and were merely writing from a different paradigm-that could actually SENSE that when they “hugged that inner child into their heart” or “gave that part of self a new job”, they were quite literally, energetically adding to the ego body.
At that phase of my life, I found their method of merely “witnessing” harsh, and unworkable. But as my life usually goes, whatever I judge and resist, I end up Living!
For most of my life I was drowning in the waters of the emotional body. My mind tried to keep me above water by creating a LOT of stories-logical explanations-for why this was happening, and how I could stop it. Karma, Karma.
What’s in the way is the way. I couldn’t not have skipped 30 plus years of living underwater, swallowing water, and creating more water without meaning to, while struggling against all the damn water! What’s in the way is the way. I struggled so hard, for so long, with such will and hatred and gusto (that of course afterwards I had to heal) but It got me through. I can never discount emotions now-their merit, their gift.
No phase, that any human lives, need be discounted.
All paths are so unique. We’ve no idea what Source is doing with another being. We’ve no idea if they’re meant to be “awake”, or drowning in their own pain.
Pain can be The Thing to move us beyond pain.
It’s a tricky arrangement to be sure, but, it’s a real movement. We don’t even know if it’s appropriate to be sending anyone “love and light”. We don’t really know.
But I do know, that I can live my phase, have compassion and presence and embodiment of my phase. And in doing this, I’m humbled to appreciate all phases, of all lives. Of all of Life.